Where is God in my life now?

By Denver E. Torres

WELL, SUCH A question is very hard to answer. Is he in the center, or in the peripherals? I really cannot tell. It’s hard to say and claim. However, what I can assure is that I live everyday knowing him. And I am happy about it.

To say center or not is kind of hard to determine, primordially because I don’t think of Him every minute, at least consciously. I don’t. Almost all of the hours of my life are geared towards making money, making a living, surviving, struggling, wishing, and hoping for a better and comfortable life and lifestyle.

In other words, if center refers to the focus or priority, then God is not. Consciously, although sad to realize, wealth and riches and fame governs my head every so often. The preissues and concerns in my life makes me think of becoming rich and resolving all my problems. By principle, I believe money and wealth are powerful forces in our world. These forces are so powerful that sometimes they are considered as evil by many. However I look at money and wealth not the way they do.

Money and wealth are not different from a house, fire, table or glass or other things for that matter. If fire is used for good and positive ways, it will benefit and do good. But if it is used to destroy, it surely can. So, just like any other things in this world, wealth and money are good if the bearer is good. These things become evil in the possession of the evil; as it is the evil thoughts of a person that makes earthly thing evil.

It’s really hard to articulate your thoughts about your relationships towards God. Knowing it hurts. One will surely end up questioning his/her faith and loyalty to God. It’s saddening to realize how far and somehow near but not quite you are to God. But nonetheless it is enriching to check and balance your relationship with God so as you asses how far have you gone astray or not.

The reason of my desire for wealth and money is not only personal or at least purely personal but being person for others. I told Him in my intimate prayers that if He makes me rich and wealthy, I will be an even more “functioning” Christian. I have dreams, colossal in fact, towards helping others. I want to help. And I need money and resources. I don’t have them now yet. I do not know if my prayers are just deceitful propositions to God to get what I desire.

Well, in the end if I become rich, it goes to show that God believed and agreed upon my proposition and plans. This is yet to be found out in the years to come. Ten years from now will be a thrilling event in my life. If I get rich and turn greedy, I will realize that I was not true to myself and to God. It is so scary to envisage such future. I am hoping that not to happen.

In addition, I am also guilty when some say that God becomes God when there are tribulations in our lives.

In some instances, I feel guilty of this accusation. It seems like there are times when God has become something of less importance that I tend not to think of Him. God has a seasonal popularity in times of torment, confusion, and depression. I muse over about God in these times. And I wonder if others see and seek God the same way I do.

I really do not know if I have answered the question. But I hope these thoughts of mine written in this journal would help in answering the question: Where is God in my life now?

I do hope too that my perception and attitude towards God, His Grace and Compassion will not affect my grade in this course (Ignatian Pedagogical Paradigm in Teaching English Language & Literature). May my young Jesuit professor appreciate my honest answer to his academic question: Where is God in your life now?

a student calculating and summing up words in his statistics class

by Denver E. Torres

for Ms. Diana N. Macalong

the big and wide windows were the entry points of her inspiration,
from the sun, its rays, into the heat and to our teacher’s heart
and to some few. the doors in the other side were our entrance. both
of them served as exit points of the insipid lessons that jumped out
from our heads or hairs. they leaped from one armchair to another.
then as they exited out the windows, they fell unjustly into the road
where they died. they, the children of our teacher’s mouth died in the
avenue of disinterest. others who used the two doors were killed
in the stampede of feet, the students hurrying to their next classes,
at the corridors after the bell interrupted her.

Gays in the University benches

by Denver E. Torres

His presence planted a
bomb in my chest
"Jay Lim is here," my
classmate said. I
blushed, red like a
pinched skin. His smile
is the detonator. I
exploded, dead and
then alive again as
he faded in the corner
of the SC Building.